The Ramblings Of A Sane Psychopath

Canadians, Oh My!

2009-05-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

This week I have been blessed with a visit from a great Canadian guy named Gord! He has come all the way from Vancouver just to see some of his English friends. He's a great guy, but the accent has grated on me... especially when he says "staaaatus" instead of a chip "status" and his weird pronunciation of "oregano"!

Although, he is taking some great British words away with him, which will hopefully go to some lengths of getting rid of the American and Canadian's habit of decimating the English language and putting new sounds on old words.

So, he is going home with such great words as "path", "wanker", "tosser" and "slapper".

All is good now!

Haha!

Peace out!

The Psycho Becomes More Insane

2009-05-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

So, I had a meeting with my psychiatrist yesterday to see how I'm coping with my bipolar. And I came out diagnosed with two more things - emetophobia (the phobia of being sick) and panic attacks. So it wasn't the best day in the world.

I didn't even know the fear of being sick was a real phobia so I've never mentioned it to anyone but my ex before, but now that I know it's a real thing and other people suffer from it, it makes me feel a little better. Not about the being sick, but about the phobia.

I have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) which gives very unpleasant symptoms on a near day-to-day basis including stomach cramps, nausea and other not so nice things. I've had this since I was 15, when I caught Gastroenteritis. So maybe this has led to my phobia. I don't really know, but it's one of the scariest things I can think of, throwing up, and at the slightest feeling of nausea I get chills and hot flushes, hyperventilate, feel sick and dizzy and shake.

Which led to the diagnosis of panic attacks.

So now the Sane Psychopath is a little less sane and a little more Psycho.

Peace out!

Confessions Of A Sane Psychopath

2009-02-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

Ah, I thought this post needed a snazzy title. So, what has been happening since my last post? A lot. I moved into my new three-bed apartment - loving it. It's on the fifteenth floor and the view of Manchester is amazing, especially at night when it's all lit up. I'm liking it here, and for the first time in a long time I'm feeling intensely happy.

My ex came last weekend and it was great. Our relationship as friends seems to have gone back to how we were at the start of our four-year relationship. No arguments, no snide comments, no feelings of wanting to be somewhere else. It was great.

Methinks he wants to get back together - hints that he was dropping over the weekend. Oh, and the little thing he said that went something like this: 'We should get back together.'

Greeeat.

Anyway, my DVD player decided to be my arch nemesis and refused to play any of the DVDs that I love, but would play the crap ones I bought for a pound.

So, I reverted to my XBOX 360 after realising it plays DVDs.

*Slaps self into a coma*

Now I am sitting on my bed at 10.00pm and wondering what film to watch. Could my life be any more complete? Methinks not. Or maybe it could.

I'm wandering now. So, this is Jay, signing off for another day!

Peace!

February Heralds The Spring

2009-01-30T18:27:00.001-08:00

It's coming closer to Spring and the weather around here has finally decided to take up the winter's offer of LSD and cheered the hell up. The temperature has risen, which means going out and risking frostbite has all but disappeared and the world seems so much brighter as the long nights begin to turn once again into long days.

I've been at university for almost six months now - six months! - and things are going well. Alcohol doesn't seem as important as it did at the beginning of the year and with a sort of sober and clear head I can see a long term plan a lot more.

Oh, and I've found The One. I think. Maybe. We'll see how it goes. I'm not going to get too close and get hurt again, so I'll keep my distance for now until I find out what the whole deal is and make sure that it is The One and not The One Right Now. Sometime that Right Now will hopefully, and naturally, drop off.

I don't have a lot more to say - I'm boring, I know - so, I'm going to watch the rest of American Pie: The Wedding before I sleep a thousand sleeps!

Jay, out!

Holiday SAD - It DOES exist!

2008-12-18T07:08:00.000-08:00

God, being home is a nightmare. Sister has the flu, as does mother, father has a cold and I'm the only one who has thus far managed to dodge the flying germs that are determined to infect me. Everyone's at each other's throats, my internet consumption is limited and I have to shop and clean and pay board!!!!!

Jay is not a happy bunny!

Roll on Manchester! At least being alone means I can do what I want, whenever I want, without having to answer to everyone!

Three, Two, One

2008-11-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

The holiday countdown has now started. Several people I know have their Christmas trees up, including my ex. Which means that it is officially the Christmas period. Not to mention the incessant adverts on TV and in papers and magazines. One advert was asking people to save up for Christmas '09! I mean, for Christ's Sake - let's get this one over with first.

Although uni is going well, I can't wait to get home for the holidays and see everyone. It's hard to believe that I've been in Manchester for almost 14 weeks! Three months! Gah!

Even Christmas TV is starting now! It's almost as though we're counting down to the complete destruction of the planet and we're trying to get through Christmas as quick as possible before Armageddon takes us all out.

Oh, and go Obama!

Is it just me that thinks it's strange his surname is one letter short from a well-known terrorists? Conspiracy? Me thinks so!

Thought Of The Year

2008-09-10T15:54:00.000-07:00

No one is a virgin - life screws us all!

That is all!

Ticking Time

2008-09-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

Time is ticking by so slowly. I feel like I'm stuck inside an hourglass with no hole for the sand. This time next week I will be at university! I am so excited, but so nervous too! I've started to pack but there's just so much stuff. How can one person accumulate so many things without noticing? Hundreds of books in thirteen crates, two crates and three racks of DVDs, a huge keyboard, a TV, DVD player, Digibox, glass table, plates, bowls, cups, cutlery... so much stuff. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw it piled up in my dad's garage!

My cat Gizmo has been missing for about a week now, too. I have no idea where he is but I know that he's alive, which has afforded me a little comfort. I just hope that wherever he is, he's being looked after and cared for. I'm having to find new homes for all of my cats with the move, which has got me quite sad.

And to top it all off, I met a great guy. I've seen him a couple of times and had a good laugh. I really was starting to fall for him - until he told me he was married with kids. I've never pushed someone out the door any faster in my life.

I'm swearing off men. I'm going to live like a cat-lady for the rest of my days. I don't need men. Well, I do...

Mental? Me?

2008-08-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

Someone called me mental today. I was furious. I am not mental!

*points at the title of the blog*

See, there's a difference. Not too sure what that difference is, but there's a difference no doubt. Although recently I have been a bit mental. I don't know what came over me but on a forum today I wrote, and I quote:

'I tickled a moth with a feather and made it fart.'

I mean - what?

Oh the holidays are getting to me!

Started to read a book today. Pyramids by T. Pratchett. A very good book. One that had me laughing from page one. I love insane humour. It makes the world go round. Well, it doesn't, but I know nothing about the laws of physics. So lets just say humour does indeed make the world go round. For all we know, physics could be something fictional and out there in space some mutant spaceman is just laughing away at an old Beano, and Hey Presto, we're spinning on our axis.

4 Weeks And Counting

2008-08-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

I just want to get to university. Yes, I'm going to have a grouch, but I think it's allowed under the circumstances!

I'm bored of the holidays, bored of sitting watching daytime TV without anything to do - God, I wish I was studying! It would be a lot more amusing than sitting here with nerves and fear and excitement coiled in my stomach like a cobra ready to strike. You know that feeling when you're waiting for something and your body starts to physically ache for it? Well, that's happening right now.

I came off my meds a few weeks back too. I hated having no emotions. I was like a Cyberman that actually ate. Soon after I was admitted to hospital when my mood swung too low, and for the moment I seem to be doing alright, although I don't know when my next episode will come, which one it will be, or even that I am having a swing. Ho hum.

Life's a bitch and it needs a good bloody slap!

Summer Blues

2008-08-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm on the summer holidays and I am bored to death. There's nothing to do and I just sit at my laptop all day, watching TV and wishing that I was already at university. I'm starting a degree in Journalism and Broadcasting in 5 weeks and 5 days (yes, I'm counting down, that's how truly bored I am) and I just want to be there!

I've got through so much to get to where I am... this time three years ago, university was just a dream, something I never thought that I would attain.

At sixteen I was in a hit-and-run and damaged both my legs. I had to drop out of college, learn to walk again and then I was thrown out of my house when I announced that I was gay.

I lived on the streets for 3 months, living in the local park, sleeping in the bushes with only the lights of the Civic Centre for company and the sounds of the homeless around me.

Then, getting to university was the last of my worries. But I still dreamed of it, studying for a degree and making a life for myself. Being homeless and having nothing was the lowest I could go. I knew that.

So I started to change things.

I was taken into a hostel where I left and moved into my own flat with a boyfriend. He was abusive and I spent the next two years in his grip, not being allowed to do anything. Sometimes, being homeless seemed like the best option.

Then I broke free.

I went back to college, got five A Levels at A* and now here I am, waiting with as much patience as I can muster to get my ass to university.

Summer blues. Who'd have them?

A Sincere Complaint

2008-04-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

Let me set the record straight right now - I hate it with a passion when people don't write in full coherent sentences. Call me old fashioned or a fuddy-duddy or a stickler - I don't care. If we were meant to write like some people text, the English language would not have included vowels. They are there for a reason - use them!

Teenagers these days, and a large amount of younger children, are neglecting the very basis of our language. Children are no longer reading and teenagers are no longer caring. If you think back to the '20s or '30s, English language was used properly. It can be a romantic language, an emotional language, a very informative language when used correctly. Back in past eras, men and women alike were very well-mannered, and were taught from an early age to speak and write properly.

Old phrases from those glorious Golden Ages are now seen as archaic, but imagine if they were used today. Phrases like 'rather' and 'jolly good' were beautiful and when I hear them, because people do still say things like 'golly gosh', I am taken back to those early years. If you want to hear the great language coming from the mouths of children, Enid Blyton is the writer to read. Her language, her dialogue, was so perfect in nuance that it had rhythm and reading it was almost lyrical, like reading a poem.

I really do wish that children and teenagers would give the English language the care and respect that it deserves, instead of mutilating it at any opportunity they get. If you don't want to use vowels then why even write?

City Of Shadows

2008-04-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

On my travels across the web, I came across an amazing site dealing with Victorian photographs. It really is interesting, even for those who just like to look at old photographs. I'll post one here as an example, but the website is http://www.cityofshadows.com/.

I am always amazed at such photographs, being a regular geek when it comes to history (although I am biased about Victorian and Egyptian history. And these images really had my imagination going. I could almost feel and sense and see myself on the street with the Flower Girl (above).

History is an important part of the world, and I am so glad that I stumbled across such a wonderful and interesting site!

The Walking Boy

2008-04-17T06:34:00.001-07:00

In the process of writing my new novel, I came across a main character who is taking over the tale. Last night I was sitting with classical music on in the background, writing a scene, and I admit - I cried.

The boy was walking along a street in Victorian London with the rain beating down on him, his head angled so that the droplets ran from his fringe rather than into his eyes. And writing that short walk was so sad knowing his backstory, knowing how he came to be on the streets, knowing what he does to make some money so that he can keep on living.

I have found that writing about the 19th Century can bring forwards a lot of emotion that otherwise would be lost, because in the modern era, even the poor and homeless cannot imagine what it was like to be poor back then. It was deadly, and harsh, and the poorhouses were worse than being on the streets. Hard labour was sentenced for the smallest of crimes, and in some cases a fine was imposed, which the poor could not pay.

And for a sixteen-year-old boy like Elian, there were no deeds low enough. To make money they would do anything illegal or immoral. Stealing, robbing, prostitution. It was terrible, and that was the thing that made me cry more than anything.

Writing does let loose emotions that normally you can keep inside, bottled up. Not the healthiest of options, I admit, but if you want to be strong then tears and anguish and grief are things best kept to yourself.

Old Flame Rekindled

2008-04-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

Ok. So we have spent a lot of time talking the last couple of days and he admitted that he still has feelings for me, so I was honest and told him how I felt. He said that him and his fiance are about to break up, and that he wants us to meet up to see how we feel in person. Now I'm not stupid enough to go in hammer and tong and make a mess of things - I'm going to meet him next Thursday and see what we think and chat about. I'm not going to fall into bed with him just yet, and I'm not heartless enough to be the 'other person'.

So I guess this is just a wait and see situation.

Old Friends Rekindled

2008-04-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

When I was nine I gained a best friend, whom I couldn't be seperated from. We were so close that a lot of people thought we were brothers rather than friends... that had to do with us looking alike too. When we were twelve we were seperated when he was sent to another school by his parents after their move.

Now he is back in my life, with a fiance in tow. He told me that they were on the verge of a break-up, and now my feelings for him have turned into something more than friends. I want him, body and soul. But at the moment it can't happen and it's making me feel so down... I try and push it out of my head and that works for perhaps two hours before he's there again.

I don't know what to do and I feel so alone...

Victorian History

2008-04-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

Never before have I been so interested in a single period of time, although the Egyptians would be a noteable exception to that statement. I found a website full of information - and when I say full I mean cram-packed with enough information to ward off cabin fever. But I was enthralled and it helped me through the insomnia of the night. I even managed to get a novel outline written before falling asleep around six am.

Sometimes I really do wish that I didn't have bi-polar. I don't like to be awake when the sun rises in the east, sending its wan glow across the back yard and the construction site across the road. I would rather be asleep and dreaming of far away lands than moving across the room at 5am just to change the DVD and watch yet another episode of whatever programme I had decided on earlier that night.

I'm in my depressive phase at the moment and I've found that there are things I can use that can lift the veil of depression and let me look outside again. But then the veil falls back like an iron curtain, sending me spinning once more into the pit of despair where, I admit, the Fires Of Hell would be more welcome.

But it can't be long before the poles change and I'm thrust from down to up within hours of each other. Then when I have little sleep, at least I'll be able to smile about it!